Three Reasons for Recurring Conflicts. Part 2

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2. Selfishness as a Protective Reaction

Often excessive aggression, selfish behavior and anger are a protective mechanism for our fear. We feel hurt at moments of quarrel or because of other circumstances and choose attack tactics, or too strong response. Over time, this behavior becomes norm and we develop a trigger inside, which is switched on every time a partner asks us a "wrong question", or crosses our border.

The game of partners "find the guilty one and blame him or her" is nothing more than an attempt to assert yourself at the expense of a weaker "opponent", like in the case we have considered in the previous part of this article. Accordingly, instead of realizing that you are on the same team and will win only when you strengthen each other, the opposite occurs, when humiliation of the other becomes end in itself.

During a shock of rage, we have a huge amount of adrenaline in our blood, which significantly increases our strength, it seems to us that we are capable much more and this acts as a bait for the next quarrel, when we want to experience something like this, which increases our self-esteem.

Also, the most important point is that during a quarrel, especially emotional, your body "turns off" the ability to hear, all forces are put on the destruction of an enemy and this is the key, because it gives us the right not to doubt ourselves and not to change in the future.

What is the solution?

To understand the nature of partner's dissatisfaction, hear his or her true needs. If on his or her part (or yours), there is aggression and accusations, this signals first of all about low self-esteem and dissatisfaction. Therefore, the first and main step on the path to healing will be work on self-esteem and acceptance of oneself, and, as a consequence, a partner.

Do not also forget that during a heated dispute you are in the power of hormones and uncontrolled emotions, therefore, it will be more constructive to resolve issues peacefully. For example, you can write letters to each other and thus bring down intensity of emotions.

3. There Are Basic Differences Between You

A case can relate to your values, views on life, parenting – anything. The main difference: it is extremely difficult to find a compromise, if possible at all. Why? Your personality is built on these differences, because a compromise will mean total internal changes, they are almost impossible and not always an effective solution.

Constant criticism and misunderstanding between partners contribute to alienation, feelings of anxiety and insecurity. Therefore, it is important to learn to distinguish basic differences from features with which it is possible to reconcile and move on.

What is the solution?

The solution for such a problem can be quite obvious, but often partners do not have courage to face the truth and let each other go, neurotic affection comes to the fore, which only aggravates misfortune of partners. The solution of such a problem is possible in the event that one of the interlocutors decides to "go" to the other side and change beliefs, for example, this is often found in matters of religion.

From all of the above, we can conclude that often we lose reference and support during a quarrel and forget the true goal – to agree and find a solution.

Our selfishness and reluctance to change, as well as the lack of active listening skills, create a vicious circle for quarrels.

And it is worthwhile to think about this before presenting another claim to your interlocutor.

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